“I pretty much never even ask for sex anymore, because I always get turned down.
I should feel lucky when I work up the courage and she actually says, ‘yes.’ But, I don’t.
Everything is always on her terms and I’m so in my head trying to figure out how to help her enjoy it, it’s hard to even be in the moment, myself.
It’s embarrassing to say, but my self-esteem is taking a huge blow.
I feel no spark from her. No desire whatsoever. Like she’s a shell of a person just tolerating me.
It hurts so bad. I hate that it hurts…but it does.
She says it’s hard for her, too. In the past, I guess I didn’t always handle her rejections well.
We’ve talked about it…sorta. But, nothing ever really changes.
We’re frustrated and always tiptoeing around the elephant in the room.
The gap between us is wider than ever and I have no idea what to do.
I love her and don’t want to break up our family over this.
Do I just pretend to be happy and learn to survive, or do I give up on the marriage I thought would last for eternity?”
Why on earth is it so freaking hard?
There are so many husbands desperate to fix the intimacy in their marriages but have no idea how to do it.
You aren’t alone.
You’ve probably tried things already (or maybe not because you’re too embarrassed to even address it overtly). The books, podcasts, counselors, praying for a miracle. You name it.
And things might’ve even gotten a little better here and there, but ultimately you find yourself right back in the same old cycle of frustration and unhappiness.
After working with women and couples one-on-one for years and surveying thousands, I want to explain what’s happening that you might not realize.
The reason you haven’t been able to solve the problem, is because you aren’t addressing the RIGHT problem.
Sex seems like the one thing that would change everything…
Let me tell you the truth. Your sex life is a symptom of something else.
Don’t get me wrong. I know your sex life feels like the most urgent problem. I totally get that. But, the reason it isn’t improving long term, is because the root of the problem is always there, festering underneath so the symptom never actually heals.
Stay with me.
Someone gets shot. They’re rushed into the hospital, where leading professionals excel at their job. The wound is meticulously cleaned. The bleeding is controlled. The very best treatment is administered. The person walks out looking like a charm, having had top of the line experts and supplies at their disposal.
Only one problem. There’s still shrapnel in there. See where this is going?
Just days after the outward wound is addressed, the puss and infection start to make their way to the surface. If we continue to address only what we notice at the surface, the wound never heals and in the worst case, what lies beneath leads to demise.
No matter what we have or haven’t tried. No matter how excellent the professional care. If we don’t get to the root of the problem, the symptoms will persist and likely become worse and feel even more dire as time passes.
Are you with me? I bet you’re wondering, “What exactly is the root cause of our sexual frustrations, then?”
The problem is your foundation, on which the sexual relationship is built upon…or to be more accurate, your lack of intimate connection and understanding outside the bedroom is sabotaging your ability to connect sexually.
When I say intimate connection outside the bedroom, I mean your daily interactions, your thoughts about your own desires and your ability to communicate them, your willingness to understand your perceptions of the relationship and your ability to share those things, your openness to understanding your wife’s unique background and experiences…all of this and more.
You see, sex is a physiological function of the body, however those physical acts are being fueled by emotions (the psychological).
“What’s wrong with us? Even when we do have sex, it doesn’t feel right.
Sure, it relieves a physical pang, but I still don’t feel wanted.
I want to feel close and connected to her.
No matter how hard I try, nothing seems to work. In fact, when I do try, it seems to make things worse, if that’s possible.
We’re frustrated and always tiptoeing around the elephant in the room.
The gap between us is wider than ever and I have no idea what to do.”
In order to solve the sexual issues in a relationship, we must first become aware of and address what lies beneath.
I know you’re well intended and you love your wife dearly, but you’ve been coming at this problem all wrong. It’s not your fault, but the way you’ve been trying to make things better, has likely been making things worse.
Let me help you.
I’ve spent years working one-on-one with women, trying to solve the same issue you’re facing now. Want a sneak peak of what’s going on inside your wife’s mind, when it comes to intimacy?